Today I found out through a very unsettling experience that I have an issue
with control. Though I try to deny it at times, I do have a strong desire to regulate everything and everyone around me, especially incompetent individuals. The phrase “If you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself” is a teaching I’ve grown up hearing and utilizing. However, when it comes to certain aspects of my life, primarily academics, I apply this phrase heavily and assertively. But sometimes, as one of my professors aggressively pointed out, this trait serves as more of a harmful flaw than a helpful strength. Sometimes life is going to station obstacles in your life that will force you to come to the realization that you do not have the capability to control everything – some things, whether I like it or not, just are not located within my jurisdiction of control.
It is exceedingly difficult trying to be a perfectionist in a society where excellence is no longer appreciated and slackers are beginning to multiply. Whenever I’m forced to work with these kinds of people I have the tendency to simply bulldoze past them and complete the work myself. I do this for a multitude of reasons. I don’t trust their judgment and I would rather not engage in a nasty confrontation with them about it. I know how intelligent I am and how highly developed my work ethic is and therefore, I know how positive the end result will be if I just do it myself. But do I control the universe? No, I don’t and I shouldn’t try to manage it because it’s only going to end with people thinking very poorly about my teamwork skills and may even cause them to associate me with some kind of manipulative, parochial witch.
Maybe this is why I’m so emotionally exhausted all the time. When you’re constantly trying to keep everyone around you in line while trying to keep your own life in order you seem to forget to enjoy your life. You become so caught up in perfection and portraying a successful self-image that you end of being miserable. If you can’t enjoy living your life then what’s the point in trying to make it perfect? Perfection isn’t happiness. I should know that. I’ve found true happiness during the points in my life where things were the disheveled, because I knew that despite the fact that everything was going wrong – at least I was happy. I need to surrender to my controlling instincts and start recognizing and appreciating the imperfections life throws my way.
“Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to look past the imperfections.”