A mind consumed with the past

The past is a strange thing. There are some things that happen in our past – whether it’s decisions we’ve made, relationships we’ve had or experiences we’ve encountered – that have the ability to consume our thoughts and affect our present. Sometimes this item from our past is so monumental that there’s no way it couldn’t creep into your mind from time to time. I was in a relationship for almost five years, which ended about a year ago. We haven’t spoken since the summer, I’ve unfollowed him on all social media outlets and we even live nine hours apart – however those facts don’t stop my thoughts. I mean let’s be real, it’s not possible to be in a relationship for a quarter of your life and not think about it ever again after it concludes – especially when he was one of my best friends for such a long time.

Needless to say, I’ve been thinking about him quite a bit. Not in the “OMG I want him back” kind of way, but in the “I wonder how he’s doing” kind of way. However, these feelings haven’t been strong enough to prompt me to text him. I’m aware he’s moved on and has a new life, new girlfriend and is further along in his music career. I just can’t help wondering if he’s different. The flaws and problems we had that ended our relationship – would they still be there? We were just kids when we dated and I feel like we’ve both grown up a lot since we broke up – at least I have. Sometimes people just need time without each other to develop that sense of independence and maturity, especially when they break up at the age of twenty.

I wonder about bumping into him later on down the road and trying it again. Would it be different? Would it work this time? I don’t want to cling to this idea because there’s no point in holding onto the past because it won’t allow me to live in the moment. If I’ve learned anything it’s to trust in His plan and understand that He will bring me my soulmate one day – whether that soulmate ends up being my first love is not a decision I’m qualified to make.

“Fall in love with God first and He will give you the right person that you deserve in the right time.”

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