It’s not often that I vividly remember my dreams, but when I do it’s for one of two reasons: the self-crafted fantasy is so totally wonderful I don’t want it to come to an end or the simple dream transforms into a horrible nightmare that I want to shake myself out of as soon as possible. Unfortunately, last night’s dream fell within the parameters of the latter reason. This morning I opened my eyes, heart pounding, head throbbing and mind consumed with thoughts that my conscious, sane self would have considered preposterous – but dreams are not up to me. Every night when I close my eyes, I expose myself to any sweet memory or insane delusion my mind decides to serve up on the dream platter.
Even though our body is quick at identifying the moment we’ve had a nightmare, it’s our mind that struggles to let go of those poisonous dreams. No matter how ridiculous the delusional dream was, you still wake up in a cold sweat wondering what prompted such a dream, and you try to reassure yourself that it wasn’t real. Like I said, it’s not a typical pattern for me to remember my dreams, but when you’re living in a fantastical nightmare where the love of your life has betrayed you – that’s a dark hole the mind will fall into every time. My relationship is less than six months old at this point, and despite the fact that it’s still in its early stages my boyfriend and I have built a relationship on a sturdy foundation of trust.
Even the sturdiest foundation shakes when a crazy delusion tries to seep its way through the cracks to the support beams holding everything together. I’m not saying that I believe my boyfriend would ever betray me in the form of infidelity because that’s not the person he is, but it has to make you wonder. Why would I have a dream like this? What sparks our dreams? Everyone seems to have their own opinion, but there is one commonality – they’re beyond our locus of control. Did I have this dream because of my trust issues in past relationships? Do I secretly worry that my boyfriend will find someone better and not have the courage to tell me the truth? Of course not, but it’s hard to identify why nightmares are served up on our dream platters on certain occasions. I hope I sleep more soundly tonight.