Stuttering and paralyzed

Speaking and writing have always come easy to me, but when it’s a sensitive topic I find myself stammering incoherent responses. It’s times of being tongue-tied that I rely on writing to help compose my thoughts. Most of the time my writing makes up for my mouth’s failure. It’s rare when both entities are at a loss. My mouth is stuttering and my hands are paralyzed. My mind is racing, but my mouth and hands don’t know how to decode the thoughts. It’s more than mildly annoying, it’s frustrating.

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“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” – James Earl Jones, 86, American actor

I have a talk coming up with someone I love very much. It’s not a surface-level conversation, it’s important. The kind of conversation that you refuse to have over text. It can only happen when you’re sitting across from each other, when facial expressions, voice inflections and body language is all there. I have until tomorrow, Friday June 30, to figure out what the heck I’m going to say or read to him. I don’t want my lack of preparation to send the wrong message. He might think I don’t care about this topic, which isn’t true. It’s consumed my mind all week long.

I think part of the problem is I don’t know what I think. I wish there was a magical formula to calculate what I think, what I feel and what I want, but math was never my forte. In addition freaking out about this upcoming conversation, I’ve tried to pray. I think that’s what it’s going to come down to, because let’s face it I’m not going to be able to write notes to bring with me. All I can do is pray for the Holy Spirit to provide the right words at the right time, and for God to open his heart to be receiving and understanding of everything I do manage to say.

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