Stuttering and paralyzed

Speaking and writing have always come easily to me, but when it’s a sensitive topic I find myself stammering incoherent responses. It’s times of being tongue-tied that I rely heavily on my writing to help compose my thoughts. Most of the time my writing makes up for my mouth’s failure. It’s rare when both entities are at a loss. My mouth is stuttering and my hands are paralyzed. My mind is racing, but my mouth and hands have no clue how to decode the thoughts. 

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“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” – James Earl Jones

I have a talk coming up with someone I love very much. It’s not a surface-level conversation, it’s important. The kind of conversation you refuse to have over text. It can only happen when you’re sitting across from each other – when facial expressions, voice inflections, and body language are present. I have until tomorrow, Friday, June 30, to figure out what the heck I’m going to say and/or read to him. I don’t want my lack of preparation to send the wrong message. He might think I don’t care, which isn’t true. It’s consumed my mind all week long.

I think part of the problem is I don’t know what I think. I wish there was a magical formula to calculate what I think, what I feel and what I want, but math was never my forte. Aside from freaking out about this conversation, I’ve tried to pray. I think that’s what it’s going to come down to. All I can do is pray for the Holy Spirit to provide the right words at the right time, and for God to open his heart to be receiving of everything I do manage to say.

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