Speaking and writing have always come easy to me, but when it’s a sensitive topic I find myself stammering incoherent responses. It’s times of being tongue-tied that I rely heavily on my writing to help compose my thoughts. Most of the time my writing makes up for my mouth’s failure. It’s rare when both entities are at a loss. My mouth is stuttering and my hands are paralyzed. My mind is racing, but my mouth and hands have no clue how to decode the thoughts.
“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” – James Earl Jones, 86, American actor
I have a talk coming up with someone I love very much. It’s not a surface-level conversation, it’s important. The kind of conversation you refuse to have over text. It can only happen when you’re sitting across from each other – when facial expressions, voice inflections and body language are present. I have until tomorrow, Friday June 30, to figure out what the heck I’m going to say and/or read to him. I don’t want my lack of preparation to send the wrong message. He might think I don’t care, which isn’t true. It’s consumed my mind all week long.
I think part of the problem is I don’t know what I think. I wish there was a magical formula to calculate what I think, what I feel and what I want, but math was never my forte. Aside from freaking out about this conversation, I’ve tried to pray. I think that’s what it’s going to come down to. All I can do is pray for the Holy Spirit to provide the right words at the right time, and for God to open his heart to be receiving of everything I do manage to say.